Holding Pattern
For the first time in my life, I don't know what I'm doing, or what the next months will hold for me. Naturally, this pisses me off, especially because there's nothing I can do but wait.

I'm waiting, you see, for a phone call. About two months ago, I interviewed for a creative writing internship at Walt Disney Imagineering. Things seemed to go well, but unfortunately, I have learned that HR is apparently extremely slow, and I have been waiting ever since to learn my fate. I've been calling every couple of weeks like clockwork, only to be told that they were still interviewing, and that I was still in the running. Well, when I called on Friday, I was told by the girl in HR that the guy who was in charge of the final decision was out of town, and when he returned on Monday, we'd know for sure.

It's now Tuesday. Late in the day on Tuesday. Needless to say, they haven't called.

I'm really not sure what to think at this point. I desperately want this job; this is what I want to do with my entire life, after all. But even while trying to keep up my optimism, I'm starting to lose hope, especially since I found out that a former Jungle lead who is vastly more qualified than I is also going for the same position. So, while I'm still fervently wishing and hoping to get a call with good news, I'm starting to resign myself to the idea that I may get passed over, and starting to make contingency plans. I practically have a flow chart of what's going to happen in the next six months, depending on how certain decisions turn out.

Basically, here's my idea. If I get told no by WDI, then I'm going to get myself more firmly set up at the resort. That means seeing about converting to full time (I think I've already missed a deadline, but I might be able to beg my way in), as well as finding a more permanent living arrangement. As much as I appreciate Julia's generosity in giving me a place to stay, not having my own space and my own stuff is really starting to get to me. I'd say of all the things I want most in this world right now, an apartment of my own ranks right below a job at WDI and right above a Nintendo DS. However, I can't really afford a place of my own due to not making enough money (hence the conversion to full time, which would guarantee me a certain number of hours), but at this point, I'll settle for having a room of my own with a real bed instead of sleeping on the couch in the living room.

I'm also going to attempt to break out of my rut at work. I've done pretty much nothing but the Jungle Cruise and the Tiki Room for nearly a year, and I'm starting to get bored. So, I'm going to attempt to cross-train to Steam Trains (since they come back from an extensive refurb next week and there are several new trainers over there, it shouldn't be too hard), and I'm going to apply for trainer at Jungle. I should have made trainer a year ago, but my points have gotten in the way; if they don't make a big deal about the final written I got in December for attendance, I'll actually be able to apply this time. Being a trainer would mean I'd still be spending just as much time at Jungle as I do now, but in a capacity that's different enough to hopefully keep me interested. Gaining trainer status would also open the door for me to become a lead on either Jungle or Special Events, which interests me a good deal more. Plus, there's a nice little pay differential for training shifts.

If, for whatever reason, I don't make trainer, it's looking increasingly likely that I'm going to transfer to subs, at least for a while. Oddly enough, it's the costume that put that thought back into my brain. As I am forever griping, my main positions require me to dress like a twelve year old Cub Scout or a fat Hawaiian man. Oh, we used to wear the Indy costumes at Jungle, which are wonderfully feminine and flouncy and fun. But since we switched to our own "unique" costume (the same one they use at Jungle and Kilimanjaro in Florida), I've been mistaken for a man four times. FOUR TIMES. I am not boy-shaped, people! Both the Jungle and Tiki costumes are unisex, meaning they design the clothing for men and expect women to wear it too. But while the subs costumes are very similar for both sexes, the tops are distinct. Granted, the only visual difference is that what's blue on the men's shirt is orange on the women's and vice versa, but this distinction means that the women's shirts can be cut to fit women, and so are much, much more flattering. I got to wear the costume when I worked the cast preview last week, and the other two girls (both skippers) and I were all talking about how great the costumes looked on us, despite our very different body types. Getting to actually feel like a girl in my costume would be a very nice change of pace. (Going to Trains would also be acceptable; though all conductors wear identical three-piece blue suits, the vests for women are tailored, resulting in a very flattering look.) I also really, really like the ride (I've ridden it three times already), and I wouldn't mind spending an entire shift doing nothing but managing the four-hour line, a fact which has driven many of the subs opening crew back to their original areas. Plus, since the subs are now running (if not yet really open) and very short-staffed, I could be relatively certain of never ever having to work the seventh circle of Hell that is Autopia, where most of the people who transferred before the ride was up spent the duration. Whatever I decide, or whatever is decided for me, a change of pace is most definitely in order.

Of course, none of that will happen if I get a yes from WDI. If that happens, I have to put in the transfer paperwork that will let me leave the resort on good terms and must start searching post-haste for an apartment in the Glendale area. (The commute from here to Glendale on the 5 makes rush hour on the 57 look like the Indy 500, and public transit to WDI looks to be convoluted at best; simply finding an apartment down here no matter where I end up isn't exactly the best of options.) Then the million dollar question becomes: will they want to keep me on full-time, and will they care if I don't immediately return to school and finish my degree?

See, that's the other variable in my situation right now. I've been in something of an academic downslide since I started working at Disneyland, when having a real and potentially career-making job drastically altered my priorities and goals. This past semester was exceptionally bad, and I had been debating taking a leave of absence from school, until they sort of made the decision for me by suspending me for the semester until I can get my shit together. The problem is, I already don't want to go back, and wherever I end up, I get the feeling that doing the whole working adult thing is going to make me even less inclined to go back and deal with the petty academic bullshit. So the best case scenario that I'm holding out hope for is that WDI will hire me on for this internship, and will like me enough to offer me a full-time position before I finish my degree.

But even that has issues. I've been sort of set on the idea that I'd have another year left at the park. I've made some really wonderful friends here, and despite the stress and occasional tedium, I do really love my job. I didn't really have any qualms about taking the summer off when I knew that it could only be the summer, and that I'd be back in the fall. The idea that the best thing that can happen to me means leaving for good in the next couple of weeks is a little scary.

Of course, that's getting way ahead of myself.

So, it isn't that I don't have any idea what I'm going to do with my life, specifically the most immanent portion of my life. It's that I have a ton of damn ideas, and I can't put any of them into action until I get this one. Damn. Phone call. It's beyond frustrating. I'm pretty much constantly nauseous from the stress, and I'm having difficulty looking forward to anything else. For instance, I turn 21 in less than two weeks. I should be freaking out about that, but it doesn't seem as important. I'm going to Club 33 in July, and it keeps slipping my mind. I can't even do my writing on any of my projects, because my brain just isn't working that way.

So, I sit and wait. And wait. And wait. And maybe someday soon, I'll be able to continue with my life. Just not yet.